It's like I'm in another dimension. Or a bad nightmare. I woke up one day and had this thought of...I'm not sure I can do this anymore, and I haven't been able to shake it (entirely) since. Where is this coming from? I know it started when we started to really talk about the condo. But why? I was the one that brought it up. It was my idea to start looking together in the first place. Why the cold feet?

I realize now that I am depressed. There hasn't been much that's brought joy to my life for a while now, and I think the fact that you're included in that, is what's terrifying. I also think that my expectations in life are not my own...and I'm letting others dictate what I think means to be happy and successful.

I woke up this morning crying and you held me so tight and told me everything was going to be OK, and that you loved me, and that we'd figure everything out together. You had no idea that I was struggling to not blirt out. I can't do this anymore. I need a break, or worse. That it's over. I was looking at you and thinking how much I was going to miss you, and how I couldn't even believe I was about to end something so magical. You left for work, and then I read your first bday card to me:

My Love, My One, My Dearest Michelle...

  You've done it! Wave goodbye to what will be remembered as one of your most difficult yet rewarding years. As I, myself look back on an incredible 6 months of knowing you - and futhermore the dreadful months before we met - I can't help but swoon with pride for how far you've come. I am so so proud of you, Michelle. If last year was about learning how to dream again, then this year is about making your dreams come true. Thirty-five is your year, my love!And I'm so thankful that I get to experience it with you!

This, I feel like helped me find my way back to you. This not only reminds me that we have something so special, but it also gives me hope that I will get through this. I'm in a dark place right now, but with things like this...it's really helping me find my way. :)

  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

One Republic and Jack Johnson

Well it's been a pretty musical couple of days.

I saw One Republic on Thursday, which proved to be pretty disappointing. They had two other bands on before them that were actually better I thought. One was Alpha Rev that was pretty decent. I keep meaning to look into them actually. The other was Sarah Barilles. They were both pretty original at least. One Republic performed well but it was pretty cheesy when they whipped into a White Stripes cover. I feel like if you're covering a band that came out around the same time as you did...that's not really a good sign. They have two albums out so not sure why they felt like they had to go into other people's material. All and all though it fun. I went with Tara and she had a good time as well. We've been hanging out a lot lately which has been nice.

Saturday was the Jack Johnson show. All and all that was a good time and show as well. Despite the unnecessary drama Terry felt the need to create. The problem was is that he wanted everyone to go to his house to "pregame" before the show, to which I was for...but only if the weather was going to be crappy. He just was a jerk about the whole thing and pretty much shot my idea down and tried to act as though we were cooking for like 20 people...and felt then need to go all out food wise and overall just made the whole ordeal more complicated than it needed to be. He also almost left because none of us were meeting up with him inside apparently fast enough. He was getting frustrated that he couldn't find us I guess. We were a group of about 9 people and this was why I wanted to get in there early so we can pick our spots on the lawn beforehand. But that didn't happen. As I said though everything else was fine, drank a lot...ripped my jeans...possibly lost my hat as well. And apparently Jen came into my room in the middle of the night telling me light is on and I got up trying to shut it off with my phone haha. Yah I don't remember doing that AT all.

So that's about it. I had a massive headache before I went to bed last night so I'm thankful I was smart enough to take some Excedrin before bed which helped in the morning big time. I've just been lounging all day for the most part. I'm extremely bored but at the same time there really isn't anything to do either. So I figured I'd do a little update.

That's about all else that's going on right now. Until next time...
  • Current Music
    Sia - "My Love"

Father's Day/Nantaskit

Today was a pretty good day. Woke up a bit hung over from yesterday's festivities. I officially moved back into my parents house again yesterday and that night we had people over Jen's house and just had a cook out. We were supposed to go out to Whiplash to see a few bands but it didn't seem like anyone wanted to go so we just hung out there. I felt bad because Mark from work came by and I think he really wanted to go.

So this morning I woke up a tad hung over but wanted to get to the beach. The weather kept threatening thunder storms but I figured I'd still chance it. Steve said he'd go but changed his mind in the end. Which I had mixed feelings about. On one hand I was really disappointed but on the other, I felt like this was something that we need to start doing. Acting as though we are no longer bf and gf that is.

I've been doing pretty good about the whole break up but today is started hitting me a bit more. It just occured to me that we wouldn't be seeing each other anymore before bed and that we wouldn't be talking as much and it made me depressed. Like the last break up, I feel almost as though something/someone has died. This chapter in my life is over. We had a lot of great times together and it felt great to be able to say I love you and mean it. It's sad that that feeling didn't stay.

In any event, today was Father's day as well and it was pretty low key. My parents were camping this weekend so once they got home we just sort of hung out. I felt bad for Steve because not only is he bummed with everything, this time of year is usually pretty hard for him as well. I tried to get him to come over at least for dinner but I think he knew it'd be better to just stay home.

Well now it's time for bed, and time to start another work week. Until next time...
  • Current Mood
    sad sad

Writer's Block: Father nature

What is your fondest childhood memory of your father or grandfather?

I remember going to see Snow White and the Seven Dwarves when I was little. I believe it might have been the first time it was released in theaters. Not sure if that makes sense since that movie I think was made even before the 80s...but it's my earliest memory of being in a movie theater, and what I believe was the start of my love for movies.

Another great one was when I was little before my little brother and sister were born my parents and my would dance. My mom would turn the radio on and we would dance around our living room. One time my father disapeared into their room and he came out wearing just a suit jacket a tie and shorts and he broke out in the silliest dance that had Jen and I laughing so hard. I still think about that night and smile. It was such a fun moment.

Bunker Hill Day Parade and Pet sitting

So this weekend was fun.

Yesterday had a little cook out at Cathy and Derek's for Cathy's birthday. She really liked the gift I gave her, which was two frammed pictures of Daniel. One was a set of three pictures of him smiling and the other one was a cute shot of him just looking at the camera really cute. So I was pleased that she liked that. Jen and I stayed there till about 3, and we headed in town with Tara, Clinton and Krupa for this World Cup themed bar crawl. It was a lot of fun and a cool way of going out and checking new places. The crawl started at 1, so we met up with all the people at about 4 at Coogan's which was a cool bar, small but we watched the last bit of the game there. From there we went to Jose Macyntire's, then to another bar called Sanctuary to another one called Market. Some people from work came out too Andy and his girlfriend and her friends, and then Ian and his "girlfriend" hahah and another friend of his. It was funny too there was a guy that I saw at the Coogan's place kind of look at me but I honestly didn't know if he was looking at me or smiling at someone else. Being just broken up with Steve, and not to mention the fact that I knew he'd be joining us later I didn't really think anything about it...saw him later at a nother bar to which he caught we walking by and proclaimed that I was really cute. So I thought that was nice. I actually ended up seeing him towards the end of the night to which he said the same thing and literally said..."Hey how about you enter your phone number into my cell phone..." which I thought was an intersting pick up line. I was actually interested in speaking with him just to see what he was all about but at the same time was a little igged out by him too. Hahaha Andy sensed that and he actually jumped in and pretended he was my bf and asked if he could get me a drink LOL. It was really funny. Jen, Steve, Clinton and Krupa went to Dick's last resort and me and Tara stayed behind with Andy and his gf. I guess Andy's brother was coming by so I think lol whether Tara wanted to admit it or not...lol wanted to see what his brother looked like since she has such a big crush on Andy. He ended up not being that great looking and he was actually kind of an ass hole. I think he was the reason why the whole table was really short at the end of the night. So it was really messed up. But either way it was a lot of fun. I have a feeling Tara and I are going to have a lot of fun this summer. I just wish I was in better shape! So hopefully I can get that into gear asap.

Also Mark got married today which I tried to not let it bother me. When it comes down to it...it is utterly ridiculous why it does even bother me in the first place. I dumped him. I am not in love with him, and am so happy that I got out when I did. So I've decided I'm not going to care anymore. I don't give a shit. If Alice is the woman he wants then so be it. That's her problem. And it really is. So good luck to her. I'm sick of thinking about it and dwelling on something that I shouldn't even think twice about. It's done.

My goal is to get myself back into shape and feeling good about myself again so that I can find someone that I want to be with and be happy with. I really hope I do some day I can't wait to be happy and be with someone that I am meant to be with.

Oh yah going back to the subject of this entry. Today I went to the Bunker Hill Parade. It was actually a lot of fun. It sort of made me sad though in that I really wished Steve and I worked out. His family is SO wonderful, and his mother I could tell genuinely was so happy to have me there. (Especially since she told me like 3x haha!) His Aunt Carol and Uncle Buddy were there too, which I've always really liked and it just made me really wish like I said that Steve and I had worked out and that he would even want to get married to begin with. So for now I guess we're just going to work on just being friends and see where that takes us. He seems to think that we're not going to remain friends and thinks that I'm going to end up hating him like I do mark...but I really don't think it will. We won't be around one another nearly as much and so if anything I think things will improve. We shall see.

Let's see what else is going on in my life...well I'm sick. Which is unusual for me. It never takes me long to get over something and I've felt this way since Monday mostly. So hopefully by tomorrow I'll be feeling better. I'm sick of sniveling!
  • Current Mood
    sick sick

Pet sitting and being bored.

Went to Jen and Jake's last night to watch the Bruins game. It was a really good game...they tied it up in the end of the 3rd period just when it was a minute left, but lost in OT. No biggie...they just need to win one more and I think they'll be able to do it at home.

I was thinking about telling my parents last night about Steve and I, but I felt bad because Bob was there so I didn't want to make it awkward. Today my Mom and I have a hair appointment so I will probably tell her then. I'm not really sure how she'll take it. I'm sure she'll be supportive but not really in the mood to hear her pieces of advice. I just want to be done and over with the whole thing already. Steve has gone to San Fran for the weekend until Tuesday, and a part of me almost hopes he stays out there. Not because I don't want to see him or anything or I hate him or anything like that, I think it'll just make it easier for the both of us, especially work wise. Plus I think it would be good for him to stay out there with his cousin. I think his cousin is a good influence on him and will be able to push him, since I obviously couldn't. I think Steve really looks up to him. He's basically going out there because Steve told his cousin what is going on between the two of us, and he said for him to come out there so that they can hang out. His cousin even payed half the ticket, which I thought was really nice of him.

Other than that...finally had a meeting with my boss the other day that I was pretty please with. Looks like I'll be on the phones for at least full time for another 45 days but starting next week or so I will be training with Richard for the Manager of Marketing role. I took a marketing class in school which is basically the extent of my marketing experience but it does interest me to a point and I'm definitely willing to learn more about it. Not to mention...so long as I'm off the phone that's going to be a huge bonus. He also talked about a raise come December that will bump me from 33k a year to 50k. Which definitely excites me. Lord knows I could use that money. We'll see...he said too that I should be in the Manager of Marketing position by the end of June, and if that's the case...I'll be in my new role until Decemeber making what I'm making now...so I asked my boss whether there was anyway to get a small raise at that point. Not to mention this job has a history for making promises they can't keep so at the very least if I don't get bumped to 50k in December I'll at least be able to walk away with some sort of raise.

Well I think this weekend is going to be a long weekend. I'm pet sitting for Aaron and Danielle and it doesn't look like any of the girls are going to be around. Jen said something about a Metallica cover band tonight so I think I might go and do that with her. Other than that, not really sure what's going on. Tomorrow is Mother's Day so I have to get my mother something. Most likely I'll just buy her a gc to LL bean. Lord knows she can't actually keep anything anyone actually buys for her...she always ends up returning it.
  • Current Mood
    blah blah


Well today was a fairly OK day. Not too much going on...

Pete finally got back to me on when he and I will be meeting. A bunch of people have quit where I work which is leaving some spots open. I have been a bdr for almost four years now, and it's getting to the point where just can't do it anymore. One person that is leaving is someone I training so I hope that will be considered but then also someone in marketing left as well so I might be considered for that role as well. Not such what I'd be doing but almost anything so long as it gets me off the phone at least half time!

Lost was on tonight. It was in my opinion the best episode of the whole series. They ended up killing Sun and Jin in the end as well as Sayid and looks like Frank as well. But the part with Sun and Jin was so sad...they just found one another after being separated so it was sad to see them die. All and all a good ep though.

Things with Steve are on and off OK. We have good days and bad. Actually the good days almost make it harder because then I think maybe it can work...but shortly after we get into a tiff and we are reminded why we are doing this. Next month we are not renewing our lease and going our separate ways...which should make work interesting but what can you do. I dug my own grave on that one.

Well typing on the iPad although better then I thought it would be is still pretty annoying so heading off to bed.

  • Current Mood
    calm calm


I feel anxious.
My stomach has butterflies, but for what?
I'm sad that you didn't stay over but not mad that you didn't either.
I feel anxious that the house is a disaster and I don't have a place to unwind.
I'm anxious that we fight a lot and yet we're still moving in. I'm worried that we won't work out and we'll have wasted Terry's time. I'm worried that I won't ever be happily married. Or even get married. I'm worried that I won't ever have a house. I'm worried about being able to afford Christmas and the apt. I'm worried about Blackie and for that one day when I get the call that he is or has put her down. I'm worried about your mom and her smoking again. I'm worried about my car and being able to afford the insurance going up. I'm worried that I'll never be at my healthy weight again. I'm worried that I'm the problem in the relationship and that I'll be alone forever.

I'm not worried...

About you not loving me. I know you do.
About you treating me well.
About having no friends.

I'm happy that my family and friends are alive and well. That I have 3 wonderful dogs who make me smile everyday. That I can for the most part make ends meet. That i have friends to have dinner with and talk to. Friends to take pics of and laugh with.


so your sick and dont feel good. ok.
why do i get this feeling that tomorrow for mikes party your going to miraculously feel better?